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    An Enchanted Forest

My Serenity -- A Blog

Saturday, May 21, 2022

Yesterday we said goodbye to my baby, Simon.  He made it through 18 years of life, most of which were with me.  I adopted him at 1 1/2 years young.  I remember the day I met him and how he coaxed Olivia into trusting him enough to start chasing each other around at the Dane County Humane Shelter.  They had an instant bond, one that was so strong.  Simon was a shy dog, especially of men, so it took time to get him to settle in.  I've always been attracted to shy animals, so he was a perfect fit for me.  He had a "Happy-go-Lucky" personality and just loved Life!  

When I moved back to Baraboo he was one of the two, Olivia being the other, that helped bring my husband, Vic, and I together.  Vic and Simon had such an instant bond, becoming BFFs.  That was very amazing since Simon has never really trusted any men.  It helped to make the decision to have both Simon and Olivia in our upcoming wedding in 2018, as they brought Vic and I together.  

For the past two years I have been preparing for Simon's passing, figuring he would last as long as Olivia did.  She made it to 17 years old while Simon made it just one more year of age.  I've always felt it was going to be his heart, maybe sensing it with my psychic abilities.  It was part of why I began sleeping on the couch with Simon.  I wanted to be there when he would pass if I could.  I was there, at the end, alongside Vic when I prayed to the Angels, my parents, and to Olivia to help Simon cross over.  He was suffering a bit from trying to breathe and we couldn't get him to a vet any sooner.  I spoke to Simon, along with the forementioned, in my head and asked the Angels to get the message to Simon that he was okay to go across the Rainbow Bridge and we would be okay.  I wasn't strong enough to watch him at the end, as Vic was petting him through those last moments.  I have witnessed too much of pets suffering at the end to watch Simon pass.  I know that it's okay that I couldn't watch.  At least I did what I could at the time.

I woke up this morning and parts of me felt empty in not having to do things that I typically would do with Simon every day.  It's so much easier having just one dog, Ruby, but it's still a hole missing in our every day life.  I reflect on how Simon is now young, full of spunk and with my other pets that crossed over as well as maybe meeting some new ones.  I wish I could have seen his crossing over, going from old to young again.  I plan to talk to a psychic to see if my dog, Olivia, can tell me if she was the one to welcome Simon and how he is now.  I think I can answer the question already, but hearing it from Olivia would be wonderful.

Saturday, April 23, 2022

I have been to 4 sessions with my psychiatrist and so far she has done little to nothing to help me with my anxiety.  Session 1 and 2 were basically repeats, so the insurance company is paying money for no help to me.  I'm going to see a new one and hope that this one gets going on helping me with my anxiety.  I have days at work where I still stress too much and need help to change that.  I'm not overeating like I used to, so that is changing for the better.  It's not due to the psychiatrist but I think because I am learning how to distract myself at work more nad more when stressed.  I thought of doing that on my own, as I remembered humming whenever I was anxious while cashiering at Walmart.  

I hate how bloated/swollen my body is right now.  I'm taking Tylenol Arthritis and it doesn't seem to help.  I don't want to have to eat bananas every day just to reduce the swelling, but I think I will have to motivate myself to do so.  

Tuesday, April 12, 2022

I am feeling a lot better at work since I seem to be picking up on things faster.  My mistakes are smaller and fewer apart.  Yesterday I was on fire at work, moving at a pace that was nearly equal to those around me.  At times I was able to go over and help them out instead of them helping me catch up.  Today I was doing alright until I made a mistake that cost time to those around me.  However, I am not torturing myself over this.  I understand that I took 3 steps forward and then 1 back, which means I am still two steps forward!  That's a big change from what has been plaguing me for months!

I have learned that not only have I been taking my thyroid medicine wrong, but have high cholesteral that I inherited from my Dad's side of the family.  The thyroid controls many things in my body, including neurological.  That means that my anxiety and depression could be offset because of my hypothyroidism  My weight is at its worse, but once I get my anxiety under control I know that it will go back to a normal level.  I'm taking Garcinia Cambogia once again to help rid myself of this extra weight.  

Thursday, March 31, 2022

I am finally feeling like I can handle the job I have.  The people around me are, for the most part, okay and some are even fun to talk to.  They seem interested in me, have an equal sense of humor, and I saw some who are very slow and still seem to work there without much say from others.  It's nice to see everyone helping each other when needed so that no one person is stressed to the max.  

I got a rude reply to my wanting to discuss my anti-depressants and a refill of my thyroid medication.  I've been good in taking the thyroid stuff despite not really feeling it doing much.  You would think the Dr. would be delighted to see me still continuing to use it.  She also gave me crap about not coming in for a thyroid test in over a year, but I saw on my calendar that I was tested back in September by another Dr. at the same clinic.  So I have decided to let go of this Dr. and try someone new.  

I am beginning to build my new small business of selling crystals.  I want to concentrate on things that are unique and affordable.  It's a shame that there are people who put a high price on something most people would like to own.  I want to be that seller that people come back to over and over again.  I have bid on several pieces from this wonderful place in China that I got some stones from last year.  They were very good quality and the prices were very reasonable.  I have all sorts of merchandising ideas in my head and can't wait to start getting photos and set my etsy shop!  

Sunday, March 27, 2022

I have been working at Milwaukee Valve now for over a month.  It was actually the day after my one month anniversary that I fell apart at work.  I, once again, somehow managed to be distracted and inserted some seats into valves upside down.  I've been trying hard to not do it again and yet to be pulled from my station to another to fix the valves was too much shame for me.  I felt like a complete failure.  I barely made it a half hour before I had no choice but to walk out. 

I managed to calm down enough to call HR later and ask about switching departments.  Fortunately my former boss liked me enough to ask to let me change departments.  Upon working the first couple of days with new people as part of a team process, I learned how bad the people I was working with are.  My former boss offered me overtime back there if I wanted it, but I emotionally can't be around those toxic people.

My new department has been fairly good so far.  Just a few times someone told me how to do something wrong.  I didn't want to point out the first mistake's true owner because I want these people to like me.  Last week I did feel a little bit like I had to defend myself from things that were not my fault.  It's hard to know which people to trust as they attempt to train me.

I miss having lunch with my husband there, as his schedule sends him to lunch a half hour earlier than me.  He still manages to pop over to say "Hello" while on his lunch.  I love that.  At least he's checking on me.  His smile makes my day better :)

Saturday, March 5, 2022

RELIEF!  I am finally at a job that I enjoy doing, get paid well and get to spend time with my husband!  I have struggled for so long and it finally seems to have changed my life for the better!  I received a pay raise already after only 3 weeks at the job.  My husband said that after talking to my boss that I am headed for another raise after my 90 days with the company... woohoo!  I never would have gotten this far at Walmart!  AMAZING!!!

I hate getting up early but to be able to go to work with my husband on some days is worth it!  I get to see him every day and know that if I'm having a bad day I can go to him or just look at him nearby.  His friendship with my boss also seems to have made my place there a bonus.  I am starting to pick up making valves a lot better than the first two weeks were.  I can look at parts and generally figure out what order they need to be put in.  I now can begin getting set up for the next project, though I need just a little help to weed out the parts that appear on the order that don't need to be used.  

I have figured out the "troublemakers" in my area so that I can restrain from saying anything that will come back at me later.  I have one good friend that I have had her back already and hope that she has mine as well.  She is the fastest one there, so that makes us working together a valuable team.  I will keep working at getter faster and more precise.  I want to make my husband proud of me as well as myself.  I want to prove that hiring me was a very good idea.  

Saturday, February 19, 2022

I am FINALLY happy to say that my life is on the right track!  I have a great new job that pays well and gives me personal accomplishment.  I am working only 30 feet from where my husband is, so every day I can look forward to seeing him at work.  The hours suck, as I hate getting up early.  I love that I will be making overtime every week.  That is helping me to get back to much better financial health.  I'm feeling the stress of finances lifting as I can look forward to things again.  I want to put money aside for a future vacation as well as "emergency funds" incase something goes wrong with my car or the pets or whatever.

I have to thank my husband for suggesting that I apply at his workplace.  He listened to me pour my heart out to him for all of the jobs I've had since returning back to work in September.  I felt horrible about myself, not thinking I could do anything besides work at Walmart.  This new job proves that I DO HAVE A BRAIN and can learn a new trade!  I like assembly parts, making a mistake or a part not working right, to where I can break it all down and rebuild it again. I've never considered myself mechanically inclinded, but now I see that I can add that to my list of talents.

Saturday, February 5, 2022

So, I finally spoke up for myself at work and told the boss how she and others treated me badly.  It did nothing to change how I'm treated at work.  So, I have chosen to follow a tarot and oracle readings guidance to go for a job at Milwaukee Valve.  It pays $18/hour and minimum hours right now are 50.  Imagine how much money I'll be bringing home each week???  The hours suck, since I would need to leave the house by 5:30am, but it's worth it in the long run.  I just can't get any decent place to hire me and don't want to deal with working in a hostile environment anymore.  I am taking 3 anti-depressants now to be able to not bring myself down.  I shouldn't need to take them but I know it will help me.  I am also going to start seeing a Psychiatrist next month.  If I have one person that I can tell all my secrets to that will have my back, it's worth it.  

Monday, January 31, 2022

Once again I find myself having to look for another job that suits me.  Why?  This time I have the entire staff at work not liking me.  Am I being overdramatic? Nope.  My boss gives me these smirks and snap remarks if I make the smallest mistake, besides barely speaking to me when working side by side.  One of the cashiers absolutely HATES working with me and lets it be known with comments like "Bonnie, can I go home early???" as she is standing right beside me.  Her tone is definitely insinuating that she is becoming impatient with me.  Of course, she never has had patience with me from the get go.  She even said on Day One that she wondered why Bonnie was having her train me and I can understand why -- this person has zero patience.  I swear she suffers from Depression as all day long she is very quiet unless another coworker stimulates her enough to start a conversation.  She reminds me of Eeyore, but a more impatient and rude Eeyore.  I was told by an ex-employee of the business that this person who runs the Refrigerated and Frozen Foods that she is a sweetheart....WRONG!  She simply ignores me at every turn.  The older lady who works in the Dry Goods must think I'm going to replace her or is simply another victim of Depression/Hate.  The boss' daughter just is an introvert, which I can understand, but still barely speaks to me when I attempt to have a simple conversation.  

I like the business and the pace, but the people I work with make it a toxic situation that I have to take 4 times the amount of anti-depressant just to try to stay at work.  I'm calling my doctor tomorrow to set up an appointment to get something stronger so that I can feel like I am not the most hated/stupid employee in the world.  I know that I'm not dumb but time after time the jobs I have gone into seem to make me look like that.  I wish that I could stay there and enjoy the freebies and deals and work in a "Mom and Pop Shop" like atmosphere, but the emotional trauma it causes me every day is beyond worth staying there.  

I wish I could share this with my husband but after failing so many times already, I just can't stand to see the disappointment on his face and in his voice.  If I had more emotional support from him, then I could share my grief but that's just not in him.  He has been good to not really discuss my job much since I started.  I'm thinking it's to keep him from saying something that might upset me, as the last job broke me down completely.  

So what is my emotional state right now?  I have a lot of nights where I can't get to sleep until just a few hours before having to go to work.  I am hesitant to apply for jobs that might work for me in fear that I simply am not able to pick up a new task/career.  I am financially struggling while my husband spends money on things that I wish he would spend helping me to buy groceries or taking the dogs to the vet for a long overdue nail trim.  I know that he works hard for his money and should be able to spend it any way he wants to, but at the same time we are a team and when one player is down usually the other helps lift them up.  I'm not getting that right now and really could use it.  A little more understanding and compassion would really boost my Spirit and confidence to push through all of this and believe something much better is just ahead for me.

Sunday, January 16, 2022

Yesterday morning Simon experienced his first stroke.  I have had two dogs that have had strokes, so I knew what to look for.  Fortunately, Simon doesn't have the big eyes going back and forth twitching, so he is able to keep food down and walk slowly to maintain his balance.  I know it will take time for him to recover.  I was looking at whether I needed to put him down or not, and that's something I really don't want to have happen right now.  I'm lucky that Simon had a more mild stroke than Olivia and Mady had.  Vic was gone all day watching football on TV at a local bar since we don't have cable TV channels with the live show.  Part of me is disappointed that he wasn't around to be there for Simon.  Later I told him how Simon had been looking for him and Vic sat down next to Simon to begin petting and comforting him.

Tomorrow I begin yet another new job.  I like the atmosphere of this job but don't think I'll be there long.  It is 20 minutes away and pays only $12/hour.  I am considering working at Kwik Trip or Cracker Barrel, as both want to interview me.  Kwik Trip is better pay and I'm used to working in a retail store.  Cracker Barrel is further away and pays less but might be a fun place to work.  Time will tell where I will be in a few weeks.

I am planning this summer's mini comp at Dreamers Odyssey.  It will be "Fairy" themed in which participants will earn things toward getting to level up as a Fairy.  I tried to think of something I would love to do, so this should be a FUN summer!  When I can use my creative juices, I feel like I'm happy and able to do things that most people can't.  I only wish I could use that creativity in my workplace.

Wednesday, January 5, 2022

I haven't felt like posting lately.  Things have gone from bad to hopeful to bad again.  I'm watching a show about how Spirit Guides are there to help us and I wonder where mine are and can't they do more to help me?  I want a stable job that I can handle going to every day.  I want one that is a schedule to allow me some time with my husband and friends if I want it.  I want to be able to bring home enough money to pay the bills and buy little extras.  I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster where I go down, down, down to slowly up, up and up and then drop DOWN again!  I hate it!  How do people keep going through these rough times and feel like I am deserving of something good?  How can I apply for a job and think I'll live up to expectations?

I can't tell my husband about having to walk out on the latest job because the trainer was so flippant and uncaring without patience toward me.  I even tried to connect to her about how I felt despite wanting to tell her off and the woman didn't seem to get it at all!  I told her I was doing my best and she was like "But you aren't getting it."  So many times she asked or insinuated that I didn't see through the microscope.  I think that when she went to check on my work, the microscope was in the "mode" for my eyesight, not hers, so she couldn't see what I did.  I've never met a trainer/teacher who was more incompetent!  

Today my husband got the good news that he was paid $600 in unemployment, which is what I need from him for next month's rent and yet I can't talk to him about it. He's just not supportive to me.  He gets angry, upset and I think he even is very disappointed in me despite me trying my best to find a good job.  I don't want to be a failure to him.  I want to carry my own weight and be proud of what I have been through.  

I'm getting tired of wishing and praying and hoping that I find something that suits me.  I know that I'm just supposed to "go with the flow" but DAMN, this river sucks!  I feel like I'm clinging onto the life vest and it's barely keeping me above water.  

Friday, December 17, 2021

It has been two weeks since my last post and things have improved!  I got a job at Servo where they make parts for airplanes and satellites and it's just 5 minutes from the house.  It pays $14/hour and a raise after 90 days.  I don't like having to get up to work 7am to 3:30pm Mon-Fri but at least I have weekends off and Thursdays off to watch my husband and friends play in Dart League.  I also will not have to do any customer service, so that's a Dream Come True for me!  I get to sit in a chair and work in what looks like a Science Lab.  It even has air conditioning in the Summer!  I really think this has to be what I have been waiting and struggling for.  It begins on January 3, so it's a "New Year and a New Job" for me!  My husband doesn't think I'll like it but at least my friend, Docia, thinks I will.  I have to believe that it's the job that I have been hoping for.  I want a place that pays my bills and leaves me some spending money.  It shouldn't be too physically demanding.  I would have preferred something later in the day but I have worked this shift before when I first began at Walmart, so I know I can do it again.  It gives 10 days a year to call in, which is a lot better to me.  Everything feels like it's a good change for me right now.  

Next week I had already planned some friends over for Christmas Eve but now the Dart League is coming over the day before that, so I need to plan a meal on both days.  It'll be nice to get friends back to joining us in the garage again for fun.  We haven't had that in years.  I saw my husband's best friend and him talking to each other.  It's been over a month since they have gotten together at either our place or his.  I know my husband misses him, so it'll be nice to have Patrick here.  

It's nice how Patrick has matured since I first met him.  He was sleeping with everyone and anyone while married with 8 kids from 4 different mothers.  He would always turn up at our place on the weekend and I would get no personal time with my husband.  Eventually I just let that go and joined in when I felt I wanted to be a part of their day.  I actually enjoyed hanging out at Patrick's house with his wife and kids, playing board games and outdoor games.  The two men would be doing their own thing and sometimes joined us.  I let my husband know that we were not planning for them to be a part of what we were doing so that we couldn't be disappointed in them for not joining in the fun.  That's sad, but it's how we had to make the best of our fun time together.  

Tomorrow I put in my two week notice at Walmart and it feels pretty good.  I like talking to customers and feeling good about being a really good cashier despite only being one full-time for about a month.  My previous going up to the register when called from the salesfloor prepared me for this, so it's a way for me to feel good about myself.  I won't miss driving to work, especially through winter storms.  I won't have to feel bad about going back to Walmart and accepting such a low pay.  

Friday, December 3, 2021

Today I go back to work at the one place I really didn't want to go to...Walmart.  I put in enough applications to places that pay better, have better hours and I am a perfect fit for their business.  I don't know why I haven't heard back from anyone yet.  I really hope that something better pops up soon so that I can catch up on my bills and go beyond in having extra spending money soon.  

I'm hoping that my anxiety is low today so that I can make it through the day without much trauma.  It's a Friday and the beginning of the month, so it likely will be busy.  This can be a plus in that the hours can go by quickly, but it can also be a negative in that there will be a lot of SS checks and such going through the Service Desk.  I hope I don't get put up there today and instead stay on a register.  I can handle most of the things that happen at the register.  

Lately I've been extra tired and not sure why.  I hope this passes soon and I can feel more energized in the morning again.

Wednesday, December 1, 2021

I am finally hired back at Walmart!  Yay!  That means money is definitely coming in.  I don't like having to go back there and wish another company would call to at least let me come in and be interviewed, but I must do what I have to for now.  

I woke up this morning and remembered something I recently read online.  It's stretching your arms up and saying something positive like "Today is going to be a great day!"  It actually helped me to feel better psychologically and physically I seemed to have responded as well.  I'm going to try to do this every day and see if I can mentally give myself a boost to accept the day.  

I'm still waiting to hear about getting some badly needed funds.  I worry about paying my next month's rent on time.  I wish I didn't but it is almost constantly on my mind.  

I had a thought also about starting my own Crystal Shop on Etsy.  I came across a name for it and claimed the name before someone else got it.  Knowing that I have an outlet to buy crystals at a low price, I am now hoping to start making enough money to get this shop off the ground and running.  I have some great marketing ideas in mind.  I just have to work on beautiful displaying but am sure I can learn from others and do my own.  If my Angels are listening, I want this very badly.  I would love to be able to bring in extra income and feel good about being my own boss.

Saturday, November 27, 2021

Today I feel good just doing whatever little I want to dive into.  My creative energy is awake and wants to design something new.  I remember "Rachel's Promise" and make a few more Random Act of Kindness graphics that are posted on Facebook.  Like she once said, one RAOK can make a difference!  I will do my part to help turn things around for some people, then they can forward it to others and so forth.  Our World needs more LOVE in it in order to get past what these last 4 years under a dictator president did to this country and ultimately the World.

My Driver's License arrived today, so now I have an official photo ID to secure a job with.  It's also good to use whenever I'm driving, so no more trying to be extra careful when in my car.  I hope it leads to a really great job.  I'm willing to put in a Day Shift if it means more money.  I just need to hear from the places I've been applying at.  I also need to keep looking for a new job that fits my needs.

 

 

Friday, November 25, 2021

Today, we are back to normal as our overnight guest is gone.  I feel relieved because I put too much pressure on myself regarding how I take care of my household and how others view it.  I just want to be me, relaxed and carefree.  There is a sense of peace in not being on a stage to perform in front of others as to carry on the appearance that most fits what I think will be acceptable.  

It was great for my husband to have someone to hang out with besides me.  I found out that he's not talking to his BF, so having another close friend around to talk to has been good for him.  I only hope that the two of them get past all of this soon so that both of them can enjoy Life again.

I'm preparing for the job market again.  Going to a job is what I need but what I want is a job that mentally I can handle.  I truly don't want something with a lot of customer service but I can do it if it pays my bills.  Then there is the amount I need.  So many jobs are only paying $12/hour and that's ridiculous for the cost of living right now.  Some people complain about those living on welfare but I can understand why.  How are they supposed to live in a decent place, if even they can find one that's affordable?  The Housing Market isn't full of affordable living spaces right now.  The Government needs to work on getting more people into homes and then the apartments will open up, as well as building more affordable housing.  

Wednesday, November 24, 2021

Today is my husband's birthday and I'm so excited to be able to spend it with him!  We have a friend of his coming later on to stay with us for a few days and that will add to my husband's special day.  He deserves to be very happy right now.  He has kept working despite foot problems.  He hasn't always been the emotional support that I needed but still has been supportive in other ways.

After getting past two hurdles yesterday, I feel like my bad luck is now turning toward good.  There have been some small things that have tested that theory.  I am going to keep a positive attitude going and embrace the small victories that as of lately have blessed me.  

Monday, November 22, 2021

This weekend we had an unexpected arrival, or at least a day early according to my husband.  It turned out to be a good thing for him because he got to spend two days with one of his best friends.  Having someone to take his mind off of his stress was great.  I sat there listening to what the friend's life has been like and reason to stay with us.  Along the way he talked about the money he had to move into a new place and I couldn't help but wish I could have asked him for a loan to help us get through this tough financial time.  I felt I had to bite my tongue because why should I put our problems onto this person?

I got to connect with someone who I think I might lean on more often.  She has been there for me more than I realized.  My husband has past issues with her that stops him from trusting her, but I know that I can trust her.  I might have been looking for that one "best friend" and not thinking that she could be that person.  She gave me some guidance and understood what I was going through.  I felt real Empathy with her.

I am still going through unwanted anxiety and wondering why my luck keeps going so bad.  I believe in three times bad luck and that's it, but somehow this one has lasted much longer.  A friend is going to try to cast a spell to help remove it for me.  I hate taking one step forward and then quickly three steps backward.

My husband's birthday is coming up in a few days and I know he would like to go see a movie that's a favorite in his genre.  I'm going to ask his friend who is coming to stay with us if he will do it since we don't have the money for it.  It's a shame to not be able to give my husband something so small for his birthday.

 

Wednesday, November 17, 2021

Today I received a text from my landlord asking where the other half of the rent was.  I assumed that when I told my husband that I wouldn't have the money for rent, his response "We'll get through this" meant he would cover it.  I was wrong.  He assumed that I would talk to the landlord about paying it at a later time.  I had done this just the month prior, so I can see how he thought it.  But, at the same time, if I was going to do that then why did I talk to my husband about it this time?  He's smart.  He should have figured it out, but he didn't.  After my husband got home from work I told him that the landlord wanted to know where the rent was.  He answered, "What did you tell him?" to which I responded, "Nothing yet."  I was waiting for my husband to say something like "I'll pay it this Friday" or something.  Instead he went silent.  Eventually he told me that he didn't have the money for the rent.  I was floored.  I had faith in him to help take care of me when I needed him the most and he failed me.  I've dealt with him not being there emotionally for me.  I've dealt with a lot of crap on my own.  He had even told me that when I thought something was wrong with my car, to tell him and not try to deal with it on my own.  Well, I went to him this time and it didn't make a difference.  I'm now alone.  I reached out to a few people and so far just one got back to me.  She has failed me emotionally before and today was no different.  I wonder why I even consider her a friend.  I know she helps out others in times of distress, but apparently having my husband means HE should be taking care of me.  Yes, but sometimes we need our friends too.  There are things we can't tell our husbands.  I don't have one person who knows every secret.  There is no one person that I can trust with everything that is going on with me.  

I'm going to try to reach out to my Aunt that shares the same birthday as I do tomorrow.  I have some paychecks coming, but I need money now.  She was there for me when I thought my husband was going to leave me.  She is as close to having my mother around as I can have right now.  I can't rely on siblings for help.  They have never been there for me so I can't even think of attempting to ask them for help.  I am someone who is there for people who need help, even to some people that I have never met.  I feel like I am worthy of someone reciprocating that help when I need it.  Who are they?  Where are they?

I truly hate being in this position.  I hate not having someone who can help pick me up when I need it.  I hate not having someone to lean on financially as well as emotionally.  I think about why I fell in love with my husband.  When we first dated it was to find someone to have fun with.  It's not easy to find those kinds of moments anymore.  Sure we can talk politics and human rights.  We share the same kind of sarcasm.  I admire his ability to throw darts extremely well, tossing as if it was nothing compared to a novice struggling to hit the board.  I admire his work ethic.  I love when he gives me a ferret to send love to me, though I would love to have his own hand upon me to show that love.  I miss his physical love.  I remember the touch of his hand.  I miss it when he would kiss me gently on my head before going to sleep.  I miss our emotional and physical connection.

Monday, November 15, 2021

How do I feel today? Better.  I have energy to clean around the house, not everything I wanted to get done but at least "something".  I went to McDonald's and rewarded myself with my favorite sandwich there, the McRib.  Oh, how I wish that sandwich was available always!  My body enjoyed getting something I really enjoy.

I spent some time on Facebook talking about the Kyle Rittenhouse trial and then to the man who now has to deal with lying about the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School years ago.  First, let's discuss Kyle.  A child of 17 should not be a part of a riot even if it is to give first aid.  No parent should allow nor drive their son to be a part of what could and did become fatal.  The fact that he took a gun that isn't allowed to own and then have that charge dismissed by the judge was totally bias.  In this world we need judges who represent fairness.  We need people to believe in the Justice System.  So now let's talk about the Sandy Hook conspirator.  WHO is a person that would deliberately lie about the lives taken and affected by such a horrible event?  What happened to this person to make him or anyone like him want to say what happened didn't????  That's one of the MOST SHAMEFUL types of people in the world to me!  If I had anyone I loved die or get seriously injured and someone tried to say it didn't happen, I would be further damaged emotionally!  This person has no soul.  I'm glad he's getting charged and found guilty.  More of these assholes need to get the book thrown at them and found GUILTY of defamation in the eyes of the Law!

Okay, so getting off that soapbox now.  I am still stressed about my health records not arriving yet.  Once they get here, then I send them to SS Dept and get my card.  It will be only THEN that I can get my Driver's License renewed and get a new job.  COVID has slowed down what should have been easier to do.  I'm anxious and hate it.  I don't like not having control in this situation.  I want to get a job and bring some money home so that my husband doesn't have to keep worrying about upcoming finances.  I can feel the stress when he's around.  That's a downfall of being empathic.  You know how others feel even if they don't say or physically show it.

 

Sunday, November 14, 2021

I find myself teetering between wanting to do something with purpose and just giving into doing nothing.  I get upset that I can't do enough for my family and then I just fall into a mindset where I only think of myself.  I wouldn't say that I'm normally a selfish person, but I have thought about why some things matter to me.  Where I work matters because I don't want to be in a place that I'm ashamed of.  I grew up feeling like that a lot, so now I want something better for myself.  Again, it's the "I .....myself" wordage.  I do know that until I love myself, I can't be there for others.  How am I supposed to love myself right now?  I am a caring person.  I have empathy for a lot of people.  I try to fix what I can.  My energy is low.   The weather is doing nothing to stop my headaches and bodyaches.  I don't have extra money right now to get some things that I want and need at the moment.  

This all sounds so dismal, yet I'm not on the verge of giving up yet.  I know that all of this will pass.  Sometimes we go through the darkest of times to have the best ones to live just ahead of us.  I just wonder what more I can do.  Where can I get the inspiration?  Where can I find my own inner self to boost my own self worth?  

I have realized that my husband is trying to communicate his love for me with the ferrets.  He places them alongside me on the couch whenever he comes across one.  It's as if to say "Here.  I hope this cheers you up!"  I appreciate it more than he knows.  I can't say it directly because I've had a wall up around me for the past two years.  The threat of COVID and its emotional trauma put me in a position to have an excuse to be distant.  Now I have low self-worth to replace it.  

Inside I know there is someone much tougher that is going to get through all of this.  She has been through so much that she learned what her incredible endurance and desire for better can carry her onto.  

Friday, November 12, 2021

Last night I waited to see my friend, Docia, to talk about guidance as far as choosing my next job goes.  I expected her to welcome me with her usual hug but it was barely a "Hello."  I sat next to her while waiting for her team to play darts.  Eventually, the other team called to forfeit and the night was now upon us to just chit-chat.  I did bring up the subject of my next job choices and Docia did offer some guidance, thankfully.  Beyond that, it wasn't the night I was hoping for.  Dealing with depression makes you wish someone else would lift you up to a state of being you want to reach.  I can't get that from my husband nor my friend, Docia.  As usual, I have to be the one to keep pushing myself back up to feeling better about my situation.  If I was actually suicidal, there would be no one close to me to reach out to.  It's sad to say that but I feel it's true.  

I think that's why I've always been close to my pets.  They have been there for me when I'm sad.  They can't speak to me like a human but they can convey feelings of love and support that I need.  

I'm feeling more tired lately.  It would be great if my husband suggested going out to eat or to someone's house for fun.  Just to have someone care enough to try to get me to do something besides wait for the papers I need to get my license renewed.  

Last night I talked with a friend of Docia's whose opinions were at times aligned with mine but also other times that contradicted my own beliefs.  We talked about vaccines and masks and social issues.  To have a respectful conversation with someone who has an opposite opinion is refreshing.  This past year had too many extremists who didn't want to hear anything other than what they believed.  I took in what this person offered, trying to see if from her point of view.  While some of it made sense, there were times that wagered on misinformation.  Now one might argue that I'm misinformed, but I try hard to look deep into something before coming to a point of view.  There are always two sides to a story and I try to see it from both sides.  But, in the end, I use my common sense to weed out misinformation.  

What I didn't like is when I got home, my husband said to me "You know that Kristy is an anti-vaccer?" and I felt like he thought I was too stupid to notice.  Why does he think I'm so naive at times?  Just because I had a friendly conversation with someone, he thinks I believe anything that person has to say.  No, I weigh what is being said.  I have an open mind and welcome a new perspective on something.  In the end, I may not agree with the other person but at least I try to understand where they are coming from.

Wednesday, November 10

Question of the Day:  If you could bring back someone from Heaven for just one day, who would it be and why?  I have a couple to choose from.  Most likely I would pick my Mom because right now I can use some guidance in my life.  She knew about how I handle money, my jobs so far and my likely because she went through holding down two jobs while taking care of 3 kids by herself.  She was practical and hardworking.  

Next, I would pick my dog, Olivia because I miss being able to see her sweet face, her doe-like eyes and hugging her.  She was my emotional support when needed.  She could cheer me up with just a glance or rolling over on her back in an awkward position.  She protected me and I protected her as best as I could.  I miss my hands flowing through her plume-like tail.  She could make me laugh over the silliest things.

Third, I would choose my Dad.  He's been gone the longest.  I sometimes find myself struggling to remember times we did things together.  Just to small his Brut cologne or how I could snuggle next to him in a chair.  He didn't have an easy life growing up, so I think that these years gone would make it more of an expert on giving advice.  I would also learn what it's been like, where is he now.  I've often wondered about what Heaven is like and how those who have crossed over have been.  I think he could fill me in on a lot of things there that I really want to know.

Tuesday, November 9, 2021

Today I feel a little tired.  The sun is shining and it's a bit cooler outside, so I don't have the windows open.  I am constantly caught up in thinking about what job I will go after when my papers come in and I get my Driver's License renewed.  I have 3 that are wrecking my mind over pros and cons.  If the one at the top of my list wasn't a drive in the winter time, it would be a no-brainer.  However, I might find someone to ride with and ease my mind over having to drive in the snow so far from home.  Lots of people do the drive.  It's still in Customer Service but from a different position where I would talk to customers on the phone to help them out with their situation.  That makes me feel better than the face-to-face I have dealt with for 30 years.  The next job is one where I would be back in the "working weekends and holidays" and face-to-face with customers in a more stressful, high energy situation.  It is very close to home so the drive is a bonus.  The last one comes from a ex-coworker who started out at a lower pay but soon moved up to a decent one. It's at a place in town where my Dad's mom worked for most of her life.  The job is housekeeping and I'm not sure how I feel about it.  It doesn't feel like a job I would be proud to have.  I do place a lot on being proud of where I work.  

After putting everything about these possible jobs out in the open, it feels like my first choice is the one that I will pursue.  What I want to do is talk to a few others to make sure that I make the best decision for myself and my family.  I can't take another let down after dealing with the last 3 jobs.  It makes me feel like all of these years at Walmart were wasted and I don't know enough to do anything else.  I just hope that I can do the job that is expected of me and leave the longer drive to work at the back of my mind.  

I've had a hard time falling sleep the last couple of days. No doubt it is because I'm stressing over not bringing home any money.  I have bills coming up and not sure how to pay them while trying to feed myself and my pets.  My husband has a small amount of 401K to take into, so I think we'll be okay but it still haunts me.  I find myself going to movies that portray real-life traumas like the mass shootings of Columbine and Parkland.  I'm not suicidal.  I watch these movies to try to understand what drove the shooters to do what they did.  I've always felt that I should have gone into some type of Behavioral Science or Psychology.  I did try to minor in Psychology in college but couldn't pass Psychology 101.  Watching these movies I find myself embraced in how everyone responded.  Some had no idea what they were listening to and within seconds bullets came toward them.  I can't imagine how I would react if in the same situation.  I have been held hostage, for a short time, so I do know that what happened sticks with these people forever.  To have to go back into the school where they almost died had to be THE HARDEST thing each of these people ever have had to do.  I don't know how I could have done it, mentally.  I find strength in the survivors that I want for myself.  Maybe it's a comfort for me to know that if they could walk back in the school after what they went through, I can make it through my next job challenge.

Monday, November 8, 2021

Today I begin an internet journey into what my constant thoughts and feelings are trying to express.  I have no ONE person that I can open up to fully.  I have bits and pieces that come out to various individuals because I fear rejection of what the TRUE ME will be in their minds.  We are all flawed but I don't think there is one person that could openly accept me for who I am.  I love my husband but he is judgmental at times.  He lacks the level of empathy that I wished he had.  I know that it's from the way he was raised and the lack of love and guidance from his parents.  He is what he is.  I just wish that my influence would spill over into him more.  When I'm going through a lot, I wish he could simply say "It's going to be okay".  If he could help guarantee me that together we will work out what needs to get done, that would help my emotional self.  But, as usual, I have to be strong on my own and journey through the difficult moments alone.  I know that financially he is here for me, to some degree, but I lack the emotional support that I need from him.  

I've always had to struggle through emotional traumas myself.  Growing up I would escape out into the pasture to be in a place where no one would find me or bother me.  I could go into the bathroom and no one could enter that room because of its personal purpose.  The animals around me became my support system.  They would give me unconditional love when I needed it the most.  I gave it back to them as best as I could.  If I didn't have these wonderful critters around me, I wonder how different I would have been.  That is why I could never go back in time and change anything.  I would miss these beautiful creatures and how I impacted their lives as well as how they influenced my own.

I see or read about people who have best friends for life.  Someone that they can truly be themselves with.  I envy such a relationship.  I don't have siblings, cousins or anyone who is there for me and vice-versa.  I try to be there for others when they really need someone because I don't want others to feel like I do...alone.  

I often feel like a Phoenix who turns to ash from all of the bad things in life, only to rise from the ashes to a stronger person.  Honestly, I'm tired of going through this over and over again.  I'm not suicidal at all.  I could never leave those who depend on me.  I just want to be free of the depression to the extent where when something bad goes wrong, I don't internalize it so much.  I am my own worse critic and can easily go to the very worse outcome.  It has helped to keep me safe at times but it has also kept me from being truly happy as well. 

I am currently looking for yet another new job.  I have felt like all of these years of retail service haven't made me smart enough or qualified enough to do anything else.  I've pushed myself outside of my comfort zone just to bring home a paycheck.  I've endured pain and shunning from those around me while struggling to do the required tasks.  How do I believe in myself enough to be confident in approaching a new employer?  I can fake being confident but inside I'm really just kidding myself.  I wish I had the gift of feeling able to do anything in life.